How-to Guides, Sexual Intimacy

Sex Talk to Make Your Bed Rock: How to Communicate Actively During Sex.

You’ve heard it a million times, I’ve heard it a million times, we’ve all heard it a million times: “good communication is the key to a good sex life”. Ironically enough the information you actually need to put this into practice is rarely communicated! 

Sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable aspects of a relationship. Talking about it is complicated, it touches upon various sensitive topics like our insecurities, sexual histories and egos. All of which is further exacerbated by the societal pressure to perform well in the bedroom. So as much as we all know that having an honest discussion about your sexual needs is necessary, it’s completely normal to fumble, hesitate and clam up when you actually try to do it. There are hundreds of different guides online about how to talk about sex. But what about communicating during sex, when you’re in the middle of actually doing the deed? Well, we put together one just for you!

Make it your foreplay: communicating can be much simpler before your clothes are off. You can tell your partner exactly what you have in mind for the both of you later. To make it super hot and encouraging you can frame it like this: “I want you to.. and then….” If you enjoy dirty talk this is your time to shine! You can also use memories and call back to past events. “I loved it when we…can we do it again.” Worried you’ll chicken out in a face to face setting? Try incorporating it in the form of sexting right before you’re supposed to meet up!

Talk that talk: Tell your partner exactly what to do! Remember, that you know what you like best so if you want the big O you’re going to have to tell your partner how to get to it! You might be worried that you could come across as naggy but most people find being given instructions and directions very sexy. There’s a lot of vulnerability in telling your partner something this intimate and it can help strengthen your relationship. If you don’t want to use too many words you can simply say things like “Harder” “faster” “slow down” and “keep going”!

Show don’t tell: don’t get us wrong, telling is great but words can sometimes make things complicated and why waste precious breath that you’d rather spend doing something else? If you’re worried that your partner might take offence to being told exactly how to pleasure you, this is a great way to get around the talking bit. Simply guide your partner’s hand (or mouth) to whichever spot you need a little extra lovin’ on. If you want to show your partner that you’re enjoying something then you can try non-verbal cues like tugging at their hair, moaning, tightening your grip, arching your back etc. Not only is it super effective, it’s also very encouraging and hot! 

Take matters into your own hands, literally: Let’s say direct communication doesn’t work or seems just too confrontational for you to try it. Can you still tell your partner what you like in bed? Yes! It’s simple, just show them what you’d do if they weren’t here. Yes, we’re asking you to masturbate in front of them and don’t write us off just yet! We don’t mean to say you should turn your intercourse into a one-person show! Simply take over the reins for a while and let your partner watch you. If you think masturbating when you’re in a relationship is a no-no, you’re dead wrong. According to a study, masturbating in a relationship leads to more sexual activity. It also allows you both to explore your voyeuristic and exhibitionist fantasies (And let’s be honest we all have some). Not only can it be a huge turn on for your partner but now they also know what you like and can step in to help the both of you to a grand finish!

Feedback: Feedback isn’t an all-time favourite Janet Jackson song for no reason! You can take some notes from the Empress of Pop herself, positive feedback works as a great motivator and can spur your partner on to continue doing the thing you like. You can use monosyllabic words like “oh yes” and “there”. What about when you have some negative feedback? Instead of telling them what you don’t like, think about what you would like in its place and tell your partner just that! “Can you try..” “A little over here..”.

Check-in frequently: sex can be a deeply intense and consuming experience. It is very easy to lose your bearings during it. This is why it’s important to continue to check in with your partner frequently to make sure you’re both on the same page. This is simpler to do when you’re in a position where you face each other as you can pay close attention to your partner’s non-verbal cues. Remember, eye contact is sexy! If you’re in a different position it might be a little harder. Besides, there are many instances when our bodies’ reflexes don’t align with what our minds are feeling. This is where verbal check-ins step in. You can ask questions like “do you like this..” “How about when I do this..” “How does this feel?” Not only will this make your partner feel valued and important but it can also be super encouraging for you as it allows your partner to tell you how you’re making them feel. And who doesn’t like hearing that?

It takes two to tango: don’t forget, just like sex, communication is a two-way street. Ask your partner about their needs and desires as well. In this way, stating your own needs can seem much less of a big deal and you can show them you’re just as eager to listen and learn. “I’d like to try more….next time, what about you? Did you enjoy…”. Doesn’t this seem organic and conversational? This is also a great addition to your aftercare routine or post-sex pillow talk. Especially if you’re bringing up something you suspect your partner might be sensitive to, we suggest doing it post-sex.

Keep in mind that you won’t become an expert in communication overnight. Be open to having some awkward missteps, you’ll learn what does and doesn’t work for you! For more tips on how to improve your sex life follow @get_cliterate, a Manzuri initiative to spread information in a fun and meaningful way.