Well Bunny, committed relationships do not have to be daal chawal always. With the right people, the right rules, and the right mindset, you can have anything, from daal chawal to even biryani!
Scene: I am with my partner (let’s call him Y). We are at my place, lying together on the bed. I am so nervous. The room is hot. Did I already say that I was nervous?
Me: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something. (It is not too late…. STOP GIRL!)
Y: Yeah, Go on.
Me: (Should I…… Damn it, it is now or never.) I was thinking of trying something new and wanted to know if you’ll be interested in it too.
Y: What is it?
Me: I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. I never want to do anything that might hurt you…… So will it be okay if we were to try to be polyamorous in this relationship? Like.. seeing other people?
Y: I think so… I trust you.
Me: Will you be okay if I have sex with other people?
Y: Umm… I cannot own your body or you. I think it is okay as long as it does not affect “us”.
Me: (Omg why is he soo cool!) I will never let anything affect us.
I was sure that this will be the most difficult conversation of my life. But not only was this the shortest conversion I had with Y, but I also realized that I had hit the boyfriend jackpot!
I am a 21 year old cishet female who has been in a heterogenous relationship with a cishet guy, Y for almost 4 years. I am presenting my personal views and experiences with polyamory. Everyone has different circumstances, perspectives, and objectives, so I request you all to make any decisions at your own discretion.
Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. It is also called open or non-monogamous relationships and often follows a set of rules that suit all the parties involved. I wanted to try Polyamory not because Y doesn’t satisfy me or because I don’t love him anymore. I think it is something that comes naturally to me. I have always been sexually attracted to more than one person and yet this never affected my mental peace or the way I behave with them. I finally decided that I want to explore this side. But at the same time, I loved Y and was not looking for something romantic with other people.
I am a person who needs change. I need new-ness. And social media handles like get_cliterate helped me realize that this is something to not be ashamed of.
PSA: Polyamory is not cheating!
Our Rules: How does my Polyamrorus relationship work?
- Like William Shakespeare said, “What’s in the name?”.
The thought of your partner finding pleasure and comfort in a sexual encounter with someone else other than you can be heartbreaking and can lead to unresolved thoughts. This also proves to be the perfect landing strip for comparisons to be made: ”Is he more muscular?” or “Does she have better orgasms with him?”.
Thus, Y and I do not share details. This is the most important rule for me. We do not have to tell each other if we went out with someone else, share names or any details of the encounter. This is a mutual decision that helps us keep our mental peace in place and focus on ‘us’. The idea of Y coming across the person I just slept with and comparing himself to them would kill me. However, certain people can really enjoy sharing details of their encounters with their partner(s). Talk to your partner(s) about it.
Also, do not engage with mutual friends and colleagues!
Cmon, this is not high school. We don’t want any love-jealousy drama. Engaging with mutual friends can affect the relationship that your partner(s) already have with each other. And it is anyway not advisable to have a romantic or sexual relationship with the people you work with.
- Choose your primary and casual partner(s) as well as confidants wisely!
In a polyamorous relationship, all the partners, primary or secondary, need to have an open mind, intellectual and emotional intelligence because making rash decisions without thinking and acting out of spite and overwhelming emotions will affect a lot of people. It is important to engage with people who are mature enough to understand and respect when you want some distance.
Because of polyamory, I have met so many interesting people. They respect me and desire me and at the same time root for my career and my relationship with Y! It has been a beautiful journey.
When you choose to open up about your relationship status to someone, make sure they provide you with a support system free of judgment that creates a safe space for your unfiltered thoughts. Luckily, I found that in my friends when I recently confided in them. Though I have not told a lot of people about it because like any average Indian girl, I do not want unnecessary judgment, but I did tell my best friends! And they are THRILLED for me! They have been very supportive and cheered me for making decisions for my body. These are the kind of people I want around me. I am anyway better off without people who judge and label me and fail to understand this beautiful and interesting part of my life.
- Always be open about relationship status and expectations and establish very strict boundaries with your casual partners.
Polyamorous relationship does not give you the right to play with people’s feelings and emotions. Hence, I always tell my other partners the truth about my relationship with Y. I just want to explore and have fun and the other person deserves to know the fact that I am not available for a romantic relationship so that they can manage their expectations from me.
However, it is completely natural to start liking someone! It happens in casual relationships all the time. But when not kept in check, these feelings can mess up your relationships big time!. In my case, I am very honest about my expectations and have well-set boundaries and rules right from the start. This prevents the other person and me from catching feelings most of the time. But if this fails, I take a break from that person to sort my feelings out. My priorities are clear, I don’t want to invest in a romantic relationship.
- Prioritize your primary partner, if you have one.
It is possible to get lost and lose track of your priorities. But this can impact your relationship with your primary partner. Hence Y and I pledged that “Our plans >>> plans we make with anyone else.” I am Y’s priority and he is mine. We are not perfect and we screw things up. But we learn from our mistakes, apologize and try to become better.
People often ask me how Y is okay with me seeing other people. Simple answer: He is a confident man who is secure in the relationship that we share and has complete trust in me. Tbh, I have landed a gem. He does not think of people as controllable entities. Over the period of 4 years, we have developed insane love, trust, respect, and affection for each other. We are best friends with aligned future goals. We have well-established rules and will never do anything to hurt the other person intentionally.
- Safe sex is the best sex.
Make this your motto- ONLY PROTECTED SEX. When you engage with multiple people, you stand more chance of contracting STIs and passing it on to your partner(s). If you’re a vulva owner, there is a high probability of getting UTIs and vaginal infections. Don’t even get me started about unwanted pregnancies. Hence Y and I always use condoms while having sex with each other and with other partners as well.
- Always confront your primary partner(s) and be honest about your feelings.
If you feel neglected and ignored or if something does not go right by you, talk to your partner(s). A polyamorous relationship should improve your romantics and sexual relationship with your partner(s), not the other way round. Y and I promised to be honest if this arrangement is not working for either of us. And the other person has to respect and honor that. As of now, polyamory has really revamped our sexual experience. Talking to other cis males has made me understand their anatomy and preferences in a better and new way. It has opened me to a whole new world of sexual practices, kinks, and fetishes!
- Love thyself.
Between multiple partners, do not let your self-love and identity take a dive. Do not give anyone the right to make you feel miserable and unloved. A polyamorous relationship should help nourish your relationship with yourself.
I am in love with my body, more than I have ever been. I even bought a sex toy for my own pleasure, a cute little jet bullet vibrator. This is a step I don’t think I would have taken pre-polyamory.
I have never loved myself more. I have never felt so sexy and confident and secure. And this is exactly how you should feel in any and every type of relationship.