What one month of using a strap on taught me about my gender

A month in the sex life of x, a 23-year-old transmasc writer from Mumbai – who explores their gender using a strap on.

Transmasc: a term used to describe individuals who were assigned female at birth but identify as masculine or on the masculine spectrum of gender identity.

Today I’m going to let you in on a little secret that is well known in the trans community. You know those heartwarming coming out stories you often read? Well, they might not tell you the whole truth.

Reading them, you’d think the trans experience goes something like this: 

Step one: Person feels misalignment with their bodies/genders

Step two: a metaphorical pink, white and blue coloured light bulb turns on, ‘omg I’m trans!’

Step three: Person starts identifying as their preferred gender and lives happily ever after.

Hate to break the news folks, but when has life ever been this simple? Especially when it comes to something as complex as gender and sexuality. The world expects trans people to have it all figured out. When I came out as trans, I was asked a lot of questions. What do you identify as? What are your pronouns now? What made you realise? 

While well intentioned, I felt extremely overwhelmed by these questions because they all expected the same thing from me: clarity and answers. 

But the truth is that when you realize you are trans, you really only know one thing for sure. That the gender assigned to you just feels wrong.

As for what feels right, well…is a different story altogether. What terms, words and pronouns to use? What should you wear, should you start packing, or get a binder? Wait, what about transitioning? And how does this impact my sexuality? The answers to these take their own sweet time to come to us. With a LOT of exploration, trial and error, self doubt and much more. After all, when a whole world has been locked away from us for so long, how would we know all its colours?

It’s this exploration that I’m here to talk about today, and celebrate. In particular, when it comes to the bedroom because that is something that hardly gets talked about.

We all know that being our authentic selves in intimate moments can be a real challenge, especially for trans individuals. It’s like we’re expected to navigate this tricky terrain while dealing with discomfort and anxiety about our bodies.

For many transgender individuals, the experience of gender dysphoria can be particularly intense during moments of vulnerability, such as engaging in sexual encounters. 

Over the course of the past year, I embarked on a personal journey to explore and understand my gender identity, and how it manifests in my intimate moments. Through this mission, I had one trusty sidekick by my side: my strap on!

A strap-on dildo or a harness, is a type of sex toy designed for individuals to wear and use during sexual activities. It typically consists of a dildo or a vibrator attached to a harness or strap that can be worn around the waist or hips. Strap-ons are commonly used by many people to experience gender-affirming sexual experiences. And I got mine, right here from Manzuri. 

In this blog post, I will delve into the valuable lessons I have learned and share the profound impact it has had on my journey of self-discovery.

So basically, I get a loottt of sex out of this, and you get my brilliant epiphanies and musings on gender. Fair deal, right?

Well let’s dive straight into it!

Week one:

I learn that my gender is valid.

All my life I’ve been fighting gender dysphoria and feelings of insecurity.

Gender dysphoria, in a nutshell, is the distress or discomfort an individual may feel when the gender they were assigned at birth does not align with their internal sense of their own gender identity. 

Gender dysphoria affects around 0.5% to 1.3% of adolescents.

It can manifest in various ways that is different for different people. For me it showed up in the bedroom when I would feel uncomfortable if someone touched my vulva. However, by embracing the use of a strap-on, I found a tangible way to ground myself in my gender identity.

So, here’s the scoop: I love the feeling of a phallus and using it feels so right for me. It’s a revelation that affirms my identity and brings a sense of joy and authenticity. Yes, I am trans.

Week two:

It is flexible.

Something shifted during my second week. I came to a new realisation. Sometimes I like wearing a strap on and feeling masculine, other times I don’t. 

My gender is fluid and multifaceted. I have discovered that my relationship with gender is not fixed, but rather, it changes depending on various things like my mood, environment and the person I’m with. There are moments when I feel empowered by wearing a strap-on and embracing a more masculine presentation, and other times when I ditch it and prefer a slightly feminine expression. Observing these changes made me feel in tune with my gender.

Week three:

It feels affirmed when it is seen.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of intimate relationships in navigating gender identity. You can find scripts for navigating almost all social situations: coming out in the workplace, friends, family etc. But how do you affirm yourself in the bedroom?

By openly communicating and expressing my gender identity with my partner, I have found a sense of affirmation and validation. Wearing a strap-on, using preferred names (dirty talk has never been more fun😉), pronouns, and terminology in the bedroom has become an essential part of honouring and affirming my gender. 

In fact, I’ve even taken to strutting around the room with my “penis” on, admiring myself in the mirror. Whether you’re trans or not, strap-on or not, this exercise is something that I believe everyone should try!

Week four:

It can be euphoric.

Gender euphoria for me is about finding joy in how my gender is expressed and perceived.

I experienced it for the first time when I put a strap on. After that, it was easy to foster it in other areas of my life as well. It spilled over into every facet of my life. The confidence and authenticity I found between the sheets began to shine brightly on the streets as well.

This newfound expression of my gender allowed me to break free from the confines of societal expectations and fully embrace my true self.

What’s more, is that I noticed, when I felt euphoric, the sex was better too! 

This is not surprising. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2020 found that gender affirmation, including engaging in gender-affirming sexual activities, positively influenced sexual satisfaction and enjoyment for trans people. Of course, it could also be the fact that I mastered how to use the strap on like a pro, by my fourth week! Practice makes perfect, indeed. 

It may have only been a month, but I already feel like I’ve come a long way, in not just understanding my gender better, but also expressing it. I know this journey is a long one, and I’m looking forward to the places it takes me! It is worth noting that the tips mentioned throughout this article, for managing dysphoria may not work for all individuals. If your dysphoria is causing you an extreme amount of distress, you may look into visiting a professional!